


From Scratch

by gemjam



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-12
Updated: 2012-11-12
Packaged: 2017-11-18 13:03:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gemjam/pseuds/gemjam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lewis' relationship with Adrian shifts so slowly that he's the last to understand his own feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From Scratch

It was always easy when they were teenagers. They hardly talked about anything but cars anyway. When the subject of girls or sex came up, Adrian would always go quiet, but Lewis just figured he was shy. It never even occurred to him that it could be anything else.

Adrian never really came out to him. Lewis heard the rumours first but he never took them very seriously. He got mad once when some guys were making fun of the way Adrian was stood across the paddock and Nico had to take him aside and suggest that maybe he try and be a bit more sensitive about things. That was when Lewis worked it out. It hurt that Adrian was apparently comfortable talking to Nico about this, but not him.

After that, Lewis could see Adrian trying. He’d look too long at the good looking models who graced the ads in the car magazines they read like he was building himself up to something. He’d make a point of saying girls Lewis liked ‘weren’t his type’. Eventually Lewis had to end the creeping around for both of them.

“I know you like boys.”

Adrian had looked at him for a moment too long, his face unreadable. “Boys?” he’d finally asked. “What am I, 10?”

“Whatever, man,” Lewis dismissed, walking away from the conversation.

He made an effort to be cool with it. It didn’t change who Adrian was to him. After a couple of weeks it just faded right into the background, an irrelevant piece of trivia like the brand of shampoo Adrian chose to use.

Everything carried on as normal until that party at Adrian’s; a few select friends gathering between races, people who Adrian trusted. Lewis had turned up with a few beers, going through to the kitchen and finding Adrian and his first ever boyfriend. They weren’t making out or groping or trying to fuck on the kitchen counter or anything. They were just stood close together, heads tilted towards one another, but Lewis could tell. It was in the way they were looking at each other, the way their hands were almost touching.

Lewis slammed the beers down on the worktop harder than he’d intended. Adrian flinched. Their eyes met and Lewis tried to think of something to say but he came up blank. Adrian stepped back from his boyfriend, eyes still fixed on Lewis, and Lewis turned around and left the room.

It was the one and only boyfriend Adrian ever introduced him to. Lewis knew there were others. Sometimes mutual friends would ask Adrian about Dillon or Alex and Lewis would politely look away while Adrian answered their questions. He wasn’t going to intrude on something Adrian couldn’t be bothered to invite him in to.

Everything else remained the same as it always was between them. Lewis didn’t spend all day going on about his girlfriends anyway, so he didn’t see why Adrian should talk about his boyfriends. They talked about cars, racing, music. Safe topics Lewis realised, once it had become too late. Lewis had been Adrian’s best friend once upon a time and now he felt like he barely knew him at all.

Lewis made a promise to himself that he would reach out, make amends, but he could never quite work out how. He thought about asking Nico if Adrian was seeing anyone right now, what name he should be asking after, but he never got around to it and he had to accept the fact that he didn’t really want to know. Adrian could do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted, Lewis more than accepted that fact, but he really didn’t want to hear about it.

He wanted it to be the two of them, like the good old days. He wanted Adrian to himself without these boyfriends hanging ominously in the background. Adrian was too sensitive for them anyway, too fragile. Lewis knew about the gay scene and Adrian wasn’t cut out for it. He was safer talking about cars and racing and music with Lewis. This was something that Lewis was sure of, until a certain incident in a nightclub in Shanghai.

After that, they barely even spoke about the safe topics anymore. They barely spoke at all. Sometimes their eyes would meet across the paddock and he’d feel a pull in his heart because this wasn’t how their lives were supposed to be. Lewis was sure it was the bad influences in Adrian’s life that had led him astray but he didn’t dare say that out loud. Instead, he kept his mouth shut and he watched Adrian drift away from.

Adrian lost his seat and he lost his court case. Lewis sat at home, twirling his phone around in his hand and wondering what he could possibly say. He hadn’t had the right words to say to Adrian since Nico had taken him aside in the paddock all those years ago and clued him in on just why Adrian was so quiet when it came to girls. With a sigh, Lewis opened a blank text message.

_I’m sorry._

It was two words that he owed Adrian a million times over but he’d never put his pride aside long enough to say them. Adrian’s response came through too quickly and Lewis knew before he opened it that the words would be hot-headed and unforgiving.

_Too little too late. Your dad called to wish me luck though._

Lewis stared at the message. He put his phone down on the table in front of him. He wasn’t going to let himself get drawn into this. He stood up, tried to walk away, but that was all he’d done his whole life when it came to Adrian. Didn’t he owe him this? Adrian had the right to be angry and Lewis had the responsibility to try and be humble about it.

_Maybe that’s because my dad’s a bigger man than me._

He put the phone down on the table, tried to convince himself to go and make a cup of tea or something, but Adrian was too quick to respond again. Lewis could barely face opening the message.

_Or maybe he didn’t fall in love with me and then hate me for it._

Lewis felt the entire world tilt. Adrian was angry, Lewis reminded himself. He was angry and he was hurt and so he was trying to hurt Lewis back. It was a natural response, one that Lewis had used more times than he’d admit. It was so much easier to be cruel than vulnerable.

The words hit Lewis deeper than that though, somewhere beneath his ribcage, somewhere in his actual anatomical heart. He rubbed a hand over his face and wondered, not for the first time, if he could cut out the part of himself that thought these things about Adrian, just take a blade and slice through all the flesh and blood to that dark little thing he’d never asked to grow. It wasn’t love though. It wasn’t hate either.

_I’m sorry._

Recycled words but he wasn’t quite sure what to offer Adrian now except for a pitiful apology. It was the most honest thing he could manage. When his phone announced Adrian’s response, Lewis felt himself tense.

_Sorry you fell in love with me or sorry you were a total bastard about it?_

Lewis closed his eyes, letting out a shuddery breath. His answer to that question couldn’t possibly be reduced down to fit into a text message. Lewis was sorry because he was a bad friend and a worse confidante. He was sorry because he’d never really been there and he was sorry that he always made Adrian feel like he had to hide such a huge part of his life from him. He was sorry that he abandoned Adrian when he needed him most, that he couldn’t stand up for him when everyone was looking. He was sorry that he hid his own feelings from himself for so long that he has no idea what’s going on in his own head anymore.

_Everything. I’m sorry._

As soon as he sent the message he knew it was nowhere near enough. Before Adrian had a chance to reply he typed out another one.

_Can we start over?_

He sat and he waited but Adrian didn’t text back. Lewis got up and made that cup of tea, placing it in front of him and watching it go cold. The light began to fade but he didn’t move. He sat there as the darkness closed in around him and he thought about how very apt it was.

When a message finally came through, the noise made him jump and the light from the screen hurt his eyes. He squinted at it as he opened the message, bracing himself for the worst.

_Hi. My name’s Adrian._

Lewis found himself smiling wider than he had in a long time. Something lifted inside of him, a heaviness that he’d been carrying around for far too long. If Adrian was really willing to give him a second chance then he wasn’t going to fuck it up.

_Hi Adrian, I’m Lewis. Want to be friends?_

He felt that tight nervousness settle in his gut as he pressed send. Was he really expecting to be forgiven that easily? He chewed on his lip, turning his phone over in his hand. When it came back to life again it wasn’t with a message. The ringtone blasted out in the silent room. Adrian was calling him.

Lewis hesitated. If Adrian put him on the spot he was sure he was going to make a mess of this all over again. His mouth always moved faster than his brain and without the time to think before choosing his words he simply didn’t trust himself. He knew that he had no choice though, he couldn’t ignore the call. It was time for him to try and act like a man instead of an immature little kid for once.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” Adrian responded, his voice carefully guarded. “I haven’t decided if I want to be your friend.”

“Okay,” Lewis accepted. It was stupid of him to even ask.

“So, why don’t you tell me about yourself, and then maybe I can make my mind up,” Adrian suggested, a clear offer of redemption.

“Okay,” Lewis said again. He took a breath before he began to talk, telling Adrian all the ugly and beautiful things he thought about the world. He closed his eyes and he tried to find the truths that he’d hidden from himself, talking until his mouth was dry and his voice sounded tired and worn. Adrian listened, never judging and never comforting, staying silent until Lewis finally came to something like the end.

“Alright,” Adrian stated, his voice quiet and gentle. “I want to be your friend.”


End file.
